The Last Taboo: Why We Can't Talk About Money

You know her health problems, her relationship struggles, even the details of her therapist sessions. She shares freely about all of it. But when you casually asked what she paid for her condo, the conversation went cold. The openness disappeared. Some invisible line had been crossed.

We'll discuss almost anything before we discuss money. Politics at dinner. Mental health with near-strangers. The intimate details of our bodies. But salary, savings, debt—these remain hidden, protected by a silence so total we barely notice we're observing it. The taboo is so ingrained it feels natural, like breathing.

The Secret We Keep

Part of you knows the secrecy creates problems. You've overpaid for things because you couldn't ask what others paid. You've felt isolated in financial struggles that, it turned out, almost everyone shares. Research shows that salary transparency reduces wage gaps and increases job satisfaction—but we still can't bring ourselves to talk.

What you don't usually admit is that the secrecy feels protective. Financial psychologists describe this as "financial shame avoidance." If you don't reveal your finances, you can't be judged for them. You can imagine you're doing fine relative to others. The silence is armor, even if it's also a prison.

The Root of the Silence

Money got tangled with worth somewhere along the way. Sociologist Viviana Zelizer's research shows that money is never "just money"—it's always coded with social meaning. Earnings feel like a measure of value. Net worth feels like actual worth. Discussing money isn't just sharing numbers—it's exposing what those numbers mean about you as a person.

Class anxiety amplifies the difficulty. Research by sociologist Rachel Sherman on wealthy families shows that even the affluent avoid money talk—fearing judgment as out-of-touch or undeserving. Money talk risks revealing origins, aspirations, the gap between where you came from and where you're trying to be.

The taboo also protects us from uncomfortable truths about luck and privilege. Studies on attribution show we prefer to believe success is earned. Discussing money risks having to acknowledge how much wasn't really in our control.

How the Taboo Shows Up

It shows up at dinner parties where everyone discusses the housing market abstractly while carefully avoiding any mention of their own mortgage. Research shows Americans are more comfortable discussing sex, politics, and religion than their personal finances. Real estate prices are acceptable topics. What you paid is not.

It appears in friendships where the income disparity is obvious but never acknowledged. One person flies first class, the other saves for months. Neither mentions it. The difference sits in the room like furniture no one will sit on.

It lives in families where inheritance creates unspoken tension. A 2019 study found that 70% of families avoid discussing inheritance plans—contributing to disputes that destroy family relationships.

Creating Openness

Research on financial communication suggests ways to break the taboo:

• Start with ranges, not specifics: Financial therapists recommend beginning with broad categories ("I'm in the $50-75k range") rather than exact figures. Precision can come later as trust builds.
• Discuss percentages, not amounts: Sharing what percentage of income goes to rent, savings, or debt feels less exposing than raw numbers and allows meaningful comparison across income levels.
• Choose your audience: Research shows that even one trusted "money talk" partner can reduce financial anxiety and improve decision-making.

The taboo serves no one well except those who profit from our ignorance. Employers benefit from workers who don't discuss salary. The silence has beneficiaries, and you're not among them.